Judgement From Aisle Five

 I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been in a public place with a screaming child and thought to myself “Shut your kid up.” I think we all have. The only cure for those types of judgments is becoming a parent yourself.  No matter how many people warned me how tough and life alerting it is to be a mom, I had no idea till I became one.  My little Asa is such a blessing, I can’t imagine our family without him, but he’s a very fussy baby and always has been. When I imagined what my baby would be like I didn’t imagine him screaming for 7-11 every night in the arms of a mom who had no clue how to stop it.  We’ve tried everything and a few things have helped, but he still has at least an hour of uncontrollable screaming.  When I say uncontrollable, I mean just that which is why I try my hardest to be home in the evenings so we don’t share this joyous time with the rest of the world. I normally go to Walmart Saturday nights while Josh takes care of him. Well, last week the big kids ran out of much of their food early so I had to go Friday night. Josh was taking a test so he couldn’t keep Asa till later. If I waited till later, I’d lose out on sleep and let’s face it, I really really needed sleep.  That fact and the fact that Asa had been super good and happy that day led to the lack of judgment that caused me to take him to Walmart with me.   After all, I’d taken him to Albertsons before and what is normally his worst time had come and gone with no crying.  And other mom’s take their kids to Walmart right? What’s wrong with me that I can’t do the same?

While I shopped Asa was mostly good. He fussed a little but I was able to calm him. I did get a few dirty looks during his fussy times and I had to laugh. If you’ve ever been to Walmart  on a Friday night , there are some preeeeeettttttty interesting folk that come out. When a 60 plus year old man wearing glasses with spirals in the middle of them stares at your screaming kid and shakes his head you just have to think “You’re judging me Sprial Glasses Man? Really?” 

 However, it was the judgment of a couple in the check out line next to me that really hurt. Had I not had to wait in line for 35 minutes, I could have been in and out before Asa melted down, but it’s Walmart and I should have known it would take twice as long as planned . Come to find out, Asa hates waiting in those long lines as much as we all do and started screaming.... screaming so loud it felt like people across town at Kmart could hear him.  It wasn’t time for him to eat yet, but I  made him bottle in desperation. He wanted nothing to do with it. I took him out of his car seat, bounced him, checked his diaper, tried his pacifier, anything I could think of, but I already knew from many of these nights that nothing would work. I guess I just didn’t want to look like a parent who doesn’t care that their kid is causing a scene.  In the line next to me was a nice looking couple, probably about my parent’s age. They were dressed up like they’d just been out for a special occasion and looked like such a sweet couple of grandparents.  So imagine my surprise when I heard the man say, “Shut up kid” and his wife respond with, “Now now, it’s not his fault he’s out this late. These young parents are completely selfish nowadays.”  Immediately, my emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn’t decide whether I should cry, tell her off, or just slap her.

  As I was putting items on the conveyer belt, I just felt like God was telling me not to say anything although I really wanted to. I so wanted to stand up to them, yet a part of me knew they wouldn’t care what I had to say. Nothing I could say would change their mind and Jesus endured far greater insults and did not defend himself.  So as I’m biting my tongue, a Hispanic lady behind me came up to my cart was and leaned over Asa. I confess I’d heard her speak in Spanish earlier and wondered if she was also talking about what a terrible parent I was, but though she didn’t seem to be able to speak English, I could tell by her tone that she was trying to soothe Asa. It didn’t work, but I appreciated it. She smiled a genuine smile at me and as I turned to thank her I noticed a cart full of Similac and Pampers and smiled back at her. We didn’t need to speak the same language to understand each other in that moment. 

I got the groceries and Asa loaded up and cried all the way home remembering that couple and going over what I’d wish I’d told them. I couldn’t believe they had to nerve to call a stranger selfish. For all they knew I could have been a single mom just getting off work with no one to leave my child with. As it was, I would hardly call what I was doing being selfish. Asa does not go to sleep before 11 no matter how many times we’ve changed his schedule. For some reason 11 is just his time for the colic to exhaust him to bed.  Was I selfish for taking him so his Dad could take a test that will help him finish his degree that will allow me to stay home with my kids someday? Was I selfish in buying my family groceries so I could have food to prepare all  week?  Was I selfish to have to change my schedule and my budget because somehow the ridiculous amount of money I spent the week before didn’t buy enough food to last even a week? Trust me, I could think of a lot of “selfish” things I’d like to do, but taking a baby to Walmart on a Friday night to  buy groceries sure isn’t one of them. I mean what did those people want me to do really? He’s a baby. He’s not a four year old I can spank and even if he was would spanking him guarantee he would stop right then and there? No.  Don’t get me wrong, I think a lot of parents do far too much talking and not enough following through and thus their kids are never going to take them seriously, but even the best, strictest parents can’t always “control” their kids actions.  Josh is a great parent and really tough on his kids, but they still have their moments. It amazes me that they would act out knowing what was coming from their dad, but they do.  Asa will probably do the same. We’ll do our best to be consistent so eventually he will learn the correct way to act and speak, but it’s a process.  It make take a few times of me dragging him out of a public place kicking and screaming as many of the mom friends I know have had to do at times.  Nothing is more encouraging than other moms and dads telling me they’ve been there or are there and offer advice out of love.  I appreciate being able to go over to the home of friends who have kids and them offering to hold Asa while I eat and then allowing me to take over their kids nursery to rock screaming Asa to sleep (who am I kidding he didn’t go to sleep..lol).  I appreciate being asked over  on the 4^th of July to the home of other friends so I can enjoy some adult company and the older kids can have fun with fireworks  even though they know Asa  probably can and will out scream their own little guy. I appreciate my married friends that don’t have kids yet and  will bring us a meal so we can still have dinner together like we did before we had Asa who's not quite restaurant ready.  I appreciate my single friends who come over and love on Asa and make sure his mommy is doing okay too.  I appreciate my mom, aunt and cousins will come over at the drop of a hat for anything and the rest of my family who sends encouraging messages and notes when they can’t be here physically. I especially appreciate my husband who spends every other night taking care of Asa so I can get uninterrupted sleep.   So many people are encouraging and I try to remember that when I hear from the ones who aren’t so helpful.  It seems some parents have really bad memories or just exceptionally good babies and want to let me know that if I did it like they did, my kid would be "good.”  In building up their parenting or child they can make me feel inadequate even though they don’t mean to.  I think it’s important that we all show grace even if we didn’t or don’t have the same issues as someone else.  Maybe your baby really didn’t cry much and maybe they slept through the night from day one. Heck, maybe by the time they were Asa’s age they were not only quiet in Walmart, but they were helping you grab groceries off the shelf and tally the bill. Consider yourself blessed, but realize not all kids are like yours and your next kid may not be anything like your first.  Children aren’t born following meekly behind us like ducklings.  We can guide , demonstrate, threaten, discipline and even beg, but we can’t “control” another person with their own mind and own agenda try as we may.  Now that I realize that, I’d like to apologize to all the moms I’ve judged at Walmart, my work, wherever for not “controlling” their misbehaving  kids or crying babies. I’ve been completely humbled and know I have no idea what is going on and I have no right to observe one fit and assume the worst of the parents.  My friend shared with me what the speaker her Bible study said once and I’ll paraphrase below: 

 “I hate when moms act like they know everything their baby needs all the time. How could I possibly know that my son would only fall with light jazz music playing 2 rooms away, with the lights dimmed in the nursery, but bright in the hallway and his mom face down crying on the carpet?”

Amen sister.

There are some places I’d never take Asa such as the movies.  People pay babysitters to get away from their own screaming kids, so  I won’t make you hear mine. However,  I have to take him to the doctor; I have to buy groceries and he just may cry and scream a time or two.  Asa will grow out of being colicy but then there will be teething, terrible twos, problems at school, teenage attitudes etc, but the joys always outweigh the frustrations and I’ll try to remember that no matter how many rude comments I hear from strangers in Walmart.  I’ll make mistakes, but will do my best to guide Asa to become a good man. I think we all get that when our kids are adults they will have to make their own choices as to whether they live their lives with the values we instill in them. What we need to remember that the whole making their own choices thing unfortunately starts a lot sooner than when they become adults.  They are works in progress just like we are. Although I’m amazed at how Josh’s kids act up knowing full well what the consequences are, don’t we all do the same?  God is so patient with us so we should extend that to each other.  As for me, I plan to show love and grace next time I feel like judging. Because to paraphrase, 1 Peter 4:8, love covers a multitude of screaming babies at Walmart.