Judgement From Aisle Five

 I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been in a public place with a screaming child and thought to myself “Shut your kid up.” I think we all have. The only cure for those types of judgments is becoming a parent yourself.  No matter how many people warned me how tough and life alerting it is to be a mom, I had no idea till I became one.  My little Asa is such a blessing, I can’t imagine our family without him, but he’s a very fussy baby and always has been. When I imagined what my baby would be like I didn’t imagine him screaming for 7-11 every night in the arms of a mom who had no clue how to stop it.  We’ve tried everything and a few things have helped, but he still has at least an hour of uncontrollable screaming.  When I say uncontrollable, I mean just that which is why I try my hardest to be home in the evenings so we don’t share this joyous time with the rest of the world. I normally go to Walmart Saturday nights while Josh takes care of him. Well, last week the big kids ran out of much of their food early so I had to go Friday night. Josh was taking a test so he couldn’t keep Asa till later. If I waited till later, I’d lose out on sleep and let’s face it, I really really needed sleep.  That fact and the fact that Asa had been super good and happy that day led to the lack of judgment that caused me to take him to Walmart with me.   After all, I’d taken him to Albertsons before and what is normally his worst time had come and gone with no crying.  And other mom’s take their kids to Walmart right? What’s wrong with me that I can’t do the same?

While I shopped Asa was mostly good. He fussed a little but I was able to calm him. I did get a few dirty looks during his fussy times and I had to laugh. If you’ve ever been to Walmart  on a Friday night , there are some preeeeeettttttty interesting folk that come out. When a 60 plus year old man wearing glasses with spirals in the middle of them stares at your screaming kid and shakes his head you just have to think “You’re judging me Sprial Glasses Man? Really?” 

 However, it was the judgment of a couple in the check out line next to me that really hurt. Had I not had to wait in line for 35 minutes, I could have been in and out before Asa melted down, but it’s Walmart and I should have known it would take twice as long as planned . Come to find out, Asa hates waiting in those long lines as much as we all do and started screaming.... screaming so loud it felt like people across town at Kmart could hear him.  It wasn’t time for him to eat yet, but I  made him bottle in desperation. He wanted nothing to do with it. I took him out of his car seat, bounced him, checked his diaper, tried his pacifier, anything I could think of, but I already knew from many of these nights that nothing would work. I guess I just didn’t want to look like a parent who doesn’t care that their kid is causing a scene.  In the line next to me was a nice looking couple, probably about my parent’s age. They were dressed up like they’d just been out for a special occasion and looked like such a sweet couple of grandparents.  So imagine my surprise when I heard the man say, “Shut up kid” and his wife respond with, “Now now, it’s not his fault he’s out this late. These young parents are completely selfish nowadays.”  Immediately, my emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn’t decide whether I should cry, tell her off, or just slap her.

  As I was putting items on the conveyer belt, I just felt like God was telling me not to say anything although I really wanted to. I so wanted to stand up to them, yet a part of me knew they wouldn’t care what I had to say. Nothing I could say would change their mind and Jesus endured far greater insults and did not defend himself.  So as I’m biting my tongue, a Hispanic lady behind me came up to my cart was and leaned over Asa. I confess I’d heard her speak in Spanish earlier and wondered if she was also talking about what a terrible parent I was, but though she didn’t seem to be able to speak English, I could tell by her tone that she was trying to soothe Asa. It didn’t work, but I appreciated it. She smiled a genuine smile at me and as I turned to thank her I noticed a cart full of Similac and Pampers and smiled back at her. We didn’t need to speak the same language to understand each other in that moment. 

I got the groceries and Asa loaded up and cried all the way home remembering that couple and going over what I’d wish I’d told them. I couldn’t believe they had to nerve to call a stranger selfish. For all they knew I could have been a single mom just getting off work with no one to leave my child with. As it was, I would hardly call what I was doing being selfish. Asa does not go to sleep before 11 no matter how many times we’ve changed his schedule. For some reason 11 is just his time for the colic to exhaust him to bed.  Was I selfish for taking him so his Dad could take a test that will help him finish his degree that will allow me to stay home with my kids someday? Was I selfish in buying my family groceries so I could have food to prepare all  week?  Was I selfish to have to change my schedule and my budget because somehow the ridiculous amount of money I spent the week before didn’t buy enough food to last even a week? Trust me, I could think of a lot of “selfish” things I’d like to do, but taking a baby to Walmart on a Friday night to  buy groceries sure isn’t one of them. I mean what did those people want me to do really? He’s a baby. He’s not a four year old I can spank and even if he was would spanking him guarantee he would stop right then and there? No.  Don’t get me wrong, I think a lot of parents do far too much talking and not enough following through and thus their kids are never going to take them seriously, but even the best, strictest parents can’t always “control” their kids actions.  Josh is a great parent and really tough on his kids, but they still have their moments. It amazes me that they would act out knowing what was coming from their dad, but they do.  Asa will probably do the same. We’ll do our best to be consistent so eventually he will learn the correct way to act and speak, but it’s a process.  It make take a few times of me dragging him out of a public place kicking and screaming as many of the mom friends I know have had to do at times.  Nothing is more encouraging than other moms and dads telling me they’ve been there or are there and offer advice out of love.  I appreciate being able to go over to the home of friends who have kids and them offering to hold Asa while I eat and then allowing me to take over their kids nursery to rock screaming Asa to sleep (who am I kidding he didn’t go to sleep..lol).  I appreciate being asked over  on the 4^th of July to the home of other friends so I can enjoy some adult company and the older kids can have fun with fireworks  even though they know Asa  probably can and will out scream their own little guy. I appreciate my married friends that don’t have kids yet and  will bring us a meal so we can still have dinner together like we did before we had Asa who's not quite restaurant ready.  I appreciate my single friends who come over and love on Asa and make sure his mommy is doing okay too.  I appreciate my mom, aunt and cousins will come over at the drop of a hat for anything and the rest of my family who sends encouraging messages and notes when they can’t be here physically. I especially appreciate my husband who spends every other night taking care of Asa so I can get uninterrupted sleep.   So many people are encouraging and I try to remember that when I hear from the ones who aren’t so helpful.  It seems some parents have really bad memories or just exceptionally good babies and want to let me know that if I did it like they did, my kid would be "good.”  In building up their parenting or child they can make me feel inadequate even though they don’t mean to.  I think it’s important that we all show grace even if we didn’t or don’t have the same issues as someone else.  Maybe your baby really didn’t cry much and maybe they slept through the night from day one. Heck, maybe by the time they were Asa’s age they were not only quiet in Walmart, but they were helping you grab groceries off the shelf and tally the bill. Consider yourself blessed, but realize not all kids are like yours and your next kid may not be anything like your first.  Children aren’t born following meekly behind us like ducklings.  We can guide , demonstrate, threaten, discipline and even beg, but we can’t “control” another person with their own mind and own agenda try as we may.  Now that I realize that, I’d like to apologize to all the moms I’ve judged at Walmart, my work, wherever for not “controlling” their misbehaving  kids or crying babies. I’ve been completely humbled and know I have no idea what is going on and I have no right to observe one fit and assume the worst of the parents.  My friend shared with me what the speaker her Bible study said once and I’ll paraphrase below: 

 “I hate when moms act like they know everything their baby needs all the time. How could I possibly know that my son would only fall with light jazz music playing 2 rooms away, with the lights dimmed in the nursery, but bright in the hallway and his mom face down crying on the carpet?”

Amen sister.

There are some places I’d never take Asa such as the movies.  People pay babysitters to get away from their own screaming kids, so  I won’t make you hear mine. However,  I have to take him to the doctor; I have to buy groceries and he just may cry and scream a time or two.  Asa will grow out of being colicy but then there will be teething, terrible twos, problems at school, teenage attitudes etc, but the joys always outweigh the frustrations and I’ll try to remember that no matter how many rude comments I hear from strangers in Walmart.  I’ll make mistakes, but will do my best to guide Asa to become a good man. I think we all get that when our kids are adults they will have to make their own choices as to whether they live their lives with the values we instill in them. What we need to remember that the whole making their own choices thing unfortunately starts a lot sooner than when they become adults.  They are works in progress just like we are. Although I’m amazed at how Josh’s kids act up knowing full well what the consequences are, don’t we all do the same?  God is so patient with us so we should extend that to each other.  As for me, I plan to show love and grace next time I feel like judging. Because to paraphrase, 1 Peter 4:8, love covers a multitude of screaming babies at Walmart.

"To Live Will Be An Awfully Big Adventure"

Last summer our family started a tradition. I'm a big reader and wanted to help Josh's kids get excited about reading since it is something they struggle with. I decided that I would read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to them last summer and then we could have  a "party" when we finished it. By party, I just planned on getting them Willy Wonka bars to enjoy during while we watched the movie, but seeing as how one of my dream jobs is to be a party planner, I tried to add a few details to make it more special:

 

Willy Wonka's Hat

Themed Table and Assigned Characters

Breakfast for Dinner theme with blueberry pancakes (in honor of Violet) and chocolate gravy

Then we finished off the party by watching the movie with some Willy Wonka bars as planned. The kids loved it so much I decided to do a second book for the summer and we chose The Secret Garden.

Themed Table with assigned characters

Dirt Cake

 

Garden Fruits and Veggies 

This summer I decided our first book would be Peter Pan. It's my favorite children's book (and one of my favorite Disney movies) so it was an easy decision. Not to mention, it's the theme of Asa's nursery so I knew I'd have decor to use without having to buy too much since I do these on a small budget. Josh read them the book and even acted some of it out to teach them how to use their imagination. They finished this week so we had our party tonight. I did a little more this year in getting us all a hat or accessory for a costume. Then I told the kids to go put the rest of their costume together and they did a great job! I had a tough time coming up with themed food this year with the whole no bread thing, and lack of food in Peter Pan. I told the kids we would just have an imaginary dinner like the Lost Boys did ...lol. In the end, Josh and decided to do some pirate themed foods for dinner along with a few food items that we could tie back to the book. We even taped the kids fingers together on one hand to make "hooks" that they had to eat with. (Thanks for the idea, Kristine!) Here are some pictures:

Themed Table and Characters

"Children know such a lot now, they soon don't believe in fairies, and every time a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies,' there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.”-Peter Pan

I realize there was no parrot in Peter Pan, but in following the pirate dinner theme, I cooked chicken legs and called them parrot legs

Ditto with the "octopus"

One of the few food items I remembered from the book. Peter brought them peanuts after they had their imaginary feast

Tink's Wands, fruit kabobs with marshmallow stars

I froze candy fish in the ice, but the food dye in the fish stained the ice so you couldn't see them inside like I planned. However, when they melted the kid's loved to see the fish "swimming" around inside. Gotta love Plan B. :)

I couldn't leave Asa without a pirate drink now could I?

Dessert

Jaleigh as Tink

Brandon as Peter

Aidan as John

Love them

The host of our pirate dinner, the feared Captain Hook!

Their reaction when seeing their Dad as Hook for the first time!

Hook was terrified of our little crocodile

Enjoying dinner together. Hook had to be extra creative to eat

I was Tiger Lily

I can't think of a better first picture of us 3 than this, can you? ;)

We had a great time tonight! The kids are enjoying the movie as I type this. Next week we plan to start our next book for the summer, Alice and Wonderland. If anyone has any ideas for the party, I'd love to hear them. Also any ideas for future books are welcome (ones that have movies are ideal so we can watch it afterwards). Thanks for stopping by and sharing in our fun. I hope the kids have great memories of how fun reading can be and how fun it is to use their imaginations. No better place to do than than Neverland. :)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Whew! What a busy week we've had. I'm so ready for July when the activities slow down. I totally get why people only let their kids do one activity each now. We started the week with Josh building the bunk beds for the boys. Is there anything my husband can't do? The beds give the boys much more space in their room and is one we can add a third bed to when Asa is older. We were able to add an extra dresser and the boys still have more room to play. Josh is still going to add some shelving/storage, but here's a picture so far. Ignore the messy beds please:

We have a lot going on in June. To keep us all on the same page and prevent the kids from asking me every day or hour what they had going on, I bought a dry erase calender that keeps us organized:

Tuesday mornings Aidan goes to the library summer reading program. Tuesday afternoon Jaleigh and Brandon do. On Wednesdays Jaleigh and Brandon do art class and this week Jaleigh had cheerleading camp every day. Not to mention swim lessons for all of them every night this month. They are loving swimming lessons and learning so much. I highly recommend them! Thank goodness for Gram helping out since there are a few scheduling conflicts. Not to mention with her taking and dropping off, I don't have to load and unload Asa ten times a day. Car seats are evil heavy....lol Here are a few pics of our activities this week:

Aidan learning to dive!

Jaleigh cheering

Brandon jumping off the diving board

 We've also been doing "school time" every day (ok, almost every day). We are trying to focus on  time, money and multiplication and it's been a challenge. I'm shocked at some of the basic skills the "new math" doesn't teach. I SO am glad I'm not a teacher. It's hard to stay patient when brains seem to erase overnight.  We use Brain Quest workbooks, which I cant say enough good things about, and flash cards. I think the kids are slowly but surely getting it.

The clock and times tables posters plus a map of the US that I hung up for them only because if I were a teacher, I'd be a social studies/history one...lol. Next year maybe Josh will let me off the hook on math and I can teach on the Civil War. ;)

Workbook time

An extra special activity this week was working on Dad's Father's Day gift. I found a frame for only $25 at amazon and figured it would be small, but it's huge. We decided to put a picture of Dad with each child, a letter from each of them saying what they loved best about Dad and their hand prints (or footprint in Asa's case). I think it turned out great! My favorite reason for "What I love most about Dad" was from Aidan who said, "I love when we watch MacGyver together." We also made my Dad "McPaw" paintings. I'll have to hide this blog from Josh so it won't give away the surprise. Sure hope he loves it!

We have dinner and swimming tonight at a friend's house, a birthday party tomorrow for our cousin Paisley and then a busy father's day of church and dinner with my parents. Next week things will be slower since cheer camp is over and we have nothing planned next weekend or rather nothing we have to leave the house for. We will finish reading "Peter Pan" this week so I'm thinking we will do our party next weekend. I have decor and costumes ready, but I still need themed food ideas.  I'm thinking of doing these, but still need suggestions for the main course:

Pirate ship jello

Tink Fruit Wands

Thanks for stopping by to read about our busy week. We had fun, but are all pretty exhausted. Some of us more than others.....

Seeing the Elephant

During the Civil War, soldiers used to speak about “seeing the elephant.” The "elephant" being battle, combat, being under enemy fire.  Well, after my first week as a mom of 4, I can safely say I too have seen the elephant. :)

Josh, Asa and I left Hobbs around 5:00 in the evening on a Friday for the long drive to Colorado to pick up the kids. We took Asa because Josh’s parents and grandmother were there and that way they could meet him. Luckily, he did well. He slept most of the way. Asa is a better traveler than me.  We got the kids, spent Saturday with his family and left Sunday morning.  Our first day back was Memorial Day so I was thankful to have Josh home to help as we unpacked, went through last summer’s clothes and replaced them with new clothes for this summer, made meal plans, shopped for groceries, set up a pool, went over the Chore Store and Behavior charts etc.  Tuesday, we woke up to a house with no Josh and 

the impact was felt. I was used to staying up all night with Asa, but sleeping when he did so I was sad to find out Josh’s kids didn’t take naps anymore like they did last summer.  What’s up with that? Maybe I should add it as one of their chores? ;) Also, we hadn’t had to cook since the baby was born thanks to the generosity of others, so three meals a day was my biggest challenge.

Pre baby, we each did our own breakfasts, which I rarely ate (I know, I know). I made lunches for the week on Sundays for each of us, but Josh handled dinner since he was usually home before me. Not only that, but Josh’s kids have allergies and feel much better with no dairy, bread, pasta etc. So besides a few cheats for parties, we decided to stick to meat, potatoes, veggies and fruit.  The only problem in that being that there are not many “fast” meals. Last year, we lived off sandwiches and corn dogs for lunch and cereal for breakfast, now all that was out the window.  Josh came up with some creative ideas to help make it easier, but nothing is easier than cereal and corn dogs. For breakfast we’ve done smoothies or eggs, for lunch, I prepared all kinds of veggies so they could make their own salads and for dinner I decided to do crock pot meals so I could get it over with in the morning since our days are busy.  (Anyone have any good crock pot recipes with no noodles or cheese?) However doing that has made the mornings really tough. Trying to feed Asa, the big kids, clean up the mess, get Asa ready, prepare dinner and somehow take a shower has proven to be a tad overwhelming. So much so that my mom has come to help with Asa so I could shower a few days, especially a particularly bad one that involved wet beds, sick kids, crying kids and lots of spit up in my hair. I’m thankful Mom is off for the summer to help and take the kids to some of their activities.  

 This week, I did a lot of food prep on Sunday. It wasn’t fun to spend all day in the kitchen, but it made for a much easier week so far. Monday I was able to feed everyone breakfast, start dinner, and take a shower with no issues/help. Baby steps. :)  Last night Josh stayed up with Asa so I got 8 hours of sleep and didn’t wake up once. I got up at 5, got myself ready, Asa ready, a load of laundry done and all the food going before the kids even woke up. So when we had some morning incidents including a blown out diaper (through clothes, a boppy and onto the couch), it didn’t feel like such a big deal.  It’s amazing the difference sleep makes. So I think if I have someone stay up with Asa every night my days will be a breeze. Any volunteers?  lol We also came up with a schedule for Asa to eat on odd hours and our meals/snacks on even ones.

Friday night we had Jaleigh’s birthday so of course our AC goes out that afternoon. My husband put in some window units we had to cool off the house enough to house our guests that night and fixed it the next day. I think Jaleigh had a great time at her rock star themed slumber party. Afterwards, I had to thank my parents for all those years of slumber parties. They were crazy to let me have eight or nine girls over. Three were plenty over here…lol  Little girls are so silly after 10 pm. Glad they had a great time though, and kinda glad Asa is a boy so I don’t have to do too many of those in my life. Exhausting..lol. 

The kids have done great on their behavior charts and with their chores. They got to use the chore store for the first time Sunday. I’ll post more about that with pictures in the coming weeks.  Asa is doing well besides in the evenings when he has been colicky.  He had a few great nights until Monday when he and I spent the night driving around and crying together. Think we went to sleep around 4:30 and were up at 6:30 for the day. Thus, my appreciations for Josh letting me sleep last night. While I was driving and praying, God brought to mind the scripture in Psalm  121 “ I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.” I went home to look it up and post it on my fridge as a reminder when I feel overwhelmed and had to laugh at the following verse:  "He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”  Glad to know that when I’m up all night taking care of my kid, I’m not alone. :) Anyway, Josh said Asa slept much better last night so hopefully some of the things we are trying help him. He really is such a joy.  I love to watch the funny faces he makes and my favorite thing is to watch him stretch as he slowly wakes up.  So cute! That is, until he realizes he’s awake and screams of course. Josh is such a great help even with his work and school, I couldn’t do it without him. We aren’t getting to spend much time together so we decided Thursday nights would be nights we could do something special together even if it’s just hanging out watching a movie in the living room. I’m looking forward to that. Also trying to find something I can I enjoy apart from the kids.  I’ve actually liked going to get groceries the last few times. Sad, I know.  I can’t let that become my hobby...lol. However, the first week I went, a newborn was in front of me in line and it made me cry because I missed Asa. I wanted to get out and when I did, I missed being home. Ah hormones.  Anyway, I spend a lot of time thinking about the last few chapters of my book I need to get written, but it seems anytime I sit down to do it, I’m needed elsewhere. I need to find a great new read for my Kindle. Reading is the cheapest best way to escape a little when you need to without leaving home.  Any good books out lately? 

Well, that’s all for now. I didn’t take many pics last week cause well, I was in over my head, but I’ll do better this week.  Here are a few from Jaleigh’s party:

Jaleigh and her friends

Aidan in his rock star glasses

Ready to blow out candles

Happy Birthday Jaleigh!

My Birth Story

 

We arrived home from the hospital Thursday with our new little guy! He is already such a joy. Unfortunately the details of his birth were not as positive as I hoped they would be.  For all who have asked about what complications we had I wanted to share the story of his birth. There are obviously some unresolved issues with it still and the anger at certain things is still fresh, but I’m trying to focus on the fact that in spite of how it happened, Asa is here and he is perfect.  

                 

I was induced at 40 weeks and two days at the recommendation of my OBGYN. I was glad for the suggestion because I wanted to have him before Josh started his new job, before the kids arrived for the summer and frankly, I just wanted to meet him. Every mom to be knows that once you hit the full term mark your excitement grows and grows. 

I went into the hospital at 6:30 am to start the process a little disappointed that Dr. Driskell wasn’t on call to deliver that day since he’s my primary doctor, but I wasn’t about to ask to have it delayed till he was on call.  So Dr. Callaghan came in around 8, broke my water and the nurses got me hooked up to every possible device imaginable it felt like, and though he did not know it at the time Josh would be on full time duty for the rest of our time in the hospital. Of all the stories I’ve heard on labor no one warned me of how many things would be put in your body to monitor so much. I’m sure I had  more than the standard though due to the issues in labor. 

My contractions started coming fairy quickly but they were mild, or so my nurse said. They didn’t feel mild to me at all.  Later a nurse told me the machine wasn’t reading mine correctly because if they were as low as they were registering my labor would not have been progressing at all. So that made me feel like less of a wimp for asking for an epidural 2 hours in when everyone kept telling me how “mild” the contractions were .lol. I was really nervous about the epidural but for no reason at all. I felt the numbing shot which was just a prick, a small burn and that was it. Before I knew it the epidural was in place and I was feeling great. By great, I mean I was feeling nothing. I couldn’t even move my legs. A strange feeling, but welcome after the two hours of contractions every few minutes.  I have a lot of respect for people who labor naturally, I have no idea how you find that much strength of will.  
 

Soon after my blood pressure dropped drastically. I have low blood pressure already but it was dangerously low.  Some medicine from the anesthesiologist took care of that for a while. Meanwhile, Asa’s heart rate began to make drastic drops. I knew something was wrong when four nurses rushed in trying to reposition me. Luckily his heart rate shot up quickly, but throughout the day it would continue to make huge plummets.  They found unless I was on my right side, almost perfectly still it would begin to fall. They had to start injecting lots of fluids into my uterus for Asa.  I had wonderful labor and delivery nurses who explained it was probably his cord wrapped around his neck or he was playing with it. I was really worried about that prospect though they assured me not to be. Looking back, I really don’t understand how lying on one side cramped up against the bed rail for eight hours so he wouldn’t be in distress was the best idea. I’m surprised a c section was never mentioned as an option if this continued or at the very least a sonogram done to see if his cord was causing him distress. All I was told for a plan was that I’d be taken off the epidural if my blood pressure dropped again.  It made for a very nervous mom during the entire delivery knowing if I so much as moved I would see his heart rate drop from 150 to 59 or similar drastic scenarios, but they assured me that since he always recovered he would be okay.

At the beginning of the evening my epidural was running low and some how the call was made that they would not refill it. I was told I would have the baby within an hour tops and the epidural would last two hours after the bag ran out. They said they wanted me to be able to feel just enough so I could push. Well, they severely undershot when it would be time to start pushing so I wasn’t pushing for another 3 hours and by then the epidural had completely worn off with nothing left to be done. I was so upset and frustrated. What was the point of having an epidural if it was going to be gone just as I needed it the most?  Dr. Callaghan told me it was clearly gone and I was just gonna have to push.  She is a great doctor, but I’ve always preferred to see Dr. Driskel or Mandy because I feel Dr. Callaghan’s bedside manner can be somewhat lacking so I wasn't happy it was going to be her yelling at me to push for the next few hours. I was in so much pain, I was crying and often screaming out. I had no idea how anyone ever did this naturally and no idea why this was happening to me, why it was hurting so bad or if an end was in site. Finally after 9 pm, I was exhausted and Asa wasn’t completely out.  The Dr. had to use the vacuum which I was upset about, but in so much pain I didn’t try to stop it. I was so happy to hear him cry, but surprised that the worst of the pain seemed to come then as well. I could tell by my husband’s and the nurse’s expressions something wasn’t right.  My family overheard one of the nurses who stepped out saying she’d never seen anything like that before. I heard them say Asa was 8.8 lbs and was very glad I didn’t wait any longer to have him. Dr Callaghan was frantically trying to stitch me up, but getting frustrated because she didn’t have all she needed.  She seemed upset with the nurses for not having all she needed and they weren’t her biggest fans then either. All understandable given the circumstances I guess, but not what a patient needed to hear.  Finally she told them to call the anesthesiologist  back to start my epidural again. I was confused why they wouldn’t/couldn’t when I was pushing but could/would now.  She informed me the tearing was severe and I would be going upstairs to the OR for emergency surgery. I got to hold Asa for a little while and see my family because we had to wait for the OR team to get there since they don’t work during the night unless needed.  Around 10:30 I was wheeled up for surgery. I don’t remember a lot of it because I was asleep.  Dr Callaghan was working quickly and seemed satisfied that she was getting it taken care of. She knew she was capable so I didn’t worry. Her confidence helped me in that moment for sure.  The epidural took care of the pain, but I knew it was going to be bad when it wore off. When the surgery was over I was taken down to a new room in postnatal care to see my family and get more information.  I don’t want to be graphic, but basically having the baby caused a tear inside all the way to my cervix.  So besides just the actual labor that certainly added to the pain I was feeling while pushing. Also, Asa was not in the room waiting for me like he was supposed to be. I was told he had to be in the nursery on oxygen because of a gurgling sound he was making and from complications of the cord being around his neck and tied in a knot. They said if I wanted to feed him I’d have to go down there to do it. Well, I wanted to of course but I literally couldn’t move so he had to be formula fed that evening which was not something I planned or wanted. When it was just Josh and I left in the room, I just started crying. The whole day had been so emotional and I dreaded waking up the next morning actually being able to feel the pain again. Throughout everything, Josh was amazing. He helped out during every stage of the labor, got me anything I needed or that would make me comfortable. I had some good nurses that day, but he was the best one for sure.  He never left my side. He was there to make sure the epidural was done right holding me in the correct position, he constantly watched the monitors and made sure the nurses were on top of things. During the thick of it he was actually doing the job of a nurse even when an on duty nurse had to leave because she could not handle the situation. And with everything going on he made sure to kiss me and comfort me before I was wheeled to the OR while he stayed to make sure our baby was ok.

 I think we finally feel asleep around 3 and got up at 7 on Wednesday.  The pain was terrible, but Dr Callaghan wanted to take the catheter out to force me into movement and prevent blood clots. It was terrible as was the entire 2 days in the postnatal unit.  Many of the nurses I had were not great. We’d have to ask and ask for things, only to have them forget them.  They were nothing like my wonderful nurses I’d had in labor and delivery. So thank you too all the nurses who actually care and work really hard without recognition. When you’ve had the other kind, you realize how much you need to thank good ones.  Anyway, I asked for pain meds yet every time I was due for some, I had to remind them.   One night they told us they would be coming in at midnight to weigh Asa so we tried to have him fed and ready to go to sleep right afterwards so we could get a few hours of sleep before the next feeding however, they came in an hour late. Then Josh asked them for a few things that took another hour to get.  In spite of all the bleeding, they never once changed the bed liners, Josh had to every time. When he asked them to once they brought in more liners and laid them on the chair for him to change.  They told me they would be monitoring things on me throughout the two days they never once did.  I would completely expect and understand those kind of things had it been busy, but several nurses told us how slow and boring it was. Because I couldn’t start nursing right away, we asked for a pump several times that we never received. When finally out of desperation at 4 am we asked for formula with a dropper to feed him with they instead gave us a bottle which I didn’t want him on. When I got ready to leave, I was given none of the  postpartum supplies other mothers had told me I would so I had to ask for them one by one which I had no problem doing considering the price of our bill for our few days there.  It seemed like the entire time I was there, patient advocates and heads of departments were coming to talk to us and not because we ever asked. They said news had traveled fast about the issues with my labor. So we spent a lot of time sharing our frustrations with the right people so hopefully it's easier on future patients.  I’m healing, but very sore. It’s difficult to walk or even stand up.  It makes things with Asa tougher than they should be so I hope I feel better by the time the big kids get here.  I can’t sleep on my bed so we are all camping out in the living room. Josh one on couch, me on the other and Asa in his cradle. I know I’ll look back and remember how precious these early days were together in spite of the pain. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to have a vaginal delivery again, but we’ll cross that bridge later.  We took Asa to his pediatrician Dr. Schmidt, for a follow up today and his oxygen is at 100, lungs completely clear and everything else is well. So even though I have many questions about why things were done the way they were and many frustrations with my experience, my body will heal, Asa is healthy and at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.