My Birth Story

 

We arrived home from the hospital Thursday with our new little guy! He is already such a joy. Unfortunately the details of his birth were not as positive as I hoped they would be.  For all who have asked about what complications we had I wanted to share the story of his birth. There are obviously some unresolved issues with it still and the anger at certain things is still fresh, but I’m trying to focus on the fact that in spite of how it happened, Asa is here and he is perfect.  

                 

I was induced at 40 weeks and two days at the recommendation of my OBGYN. I was glad for the suggestion because I wanted to have him before Josh started his new job, before the kids arrived for the summer and frankly, I just wanted to meet him. Every mom to be knows that once you hit the full term mark your excitement grows and grows. 

I went into the hospital at 6:30 am to start the process a little disappointed that Dr. Driskell wasn’t on call to deliver that day since he’s my primary doctor, but I wasn’t about to ask to have it delayed till he was on call.  So Dr. Callaghan came in around 8, broke my water and the nurses got me hooked up to every possible device imaginable it felt like, and though he did not know it at the time Josh would be on full time duty for the rest of our time in the hospital. Of all the stories I’ve heard on labor no one warned me of how many things would be put in your body to monitor so much. I’m sure I had  more than the standard though due to the issues in labor. 

My contractions started coming fairy quickly but they were mild, or so my nurse said. They didn’t feel mild to me at all.  Later a nurse told me the machine wasn’t reading mine correctly because if they were as low as they were registering my labor would not have been progressing at all. So that made me feel like less of a wimp for asking for an epidural 2 hours in when everyone kept telling me how “mild” the contractions were .lol. I was really nervous about the epidural but for no reason at all. I felt the numbing shot which was just a prick, a small burn and that was it. Before I knew it the epidural was in place and I was feeling great. By great, I mean I was feeling nothing. I couldn’t even move my legs. A strange feeling, but welcome after the two hours of contractions every few minutes.  I have a lot of respect for people who labor naturally, I have no idea how you find that much strength of will.  
 

Soon after my blood pressure dropped drastically. I have low blood pressure already but it was dangerously low.  Some medicine from the anesthesiologist took care of that for a while. Meanwhile, Asa’s heart rate began to make drastic drops. I knew something was wrong when four nurses rushed in trying to reposition me. Luckily his heart rate shot up quickly, but throughout the day it would continue to make huge plummets.  They found unless I was on my right side, almost perfectly still it would begin to fall. They had to start injecting lots of fluids into my uterus for Asa.  I had wonderful labor and delivery nurses who explained it was probably his cord wrapped around his neck or he was playing with it. I was really worried about that prospect though they assured me not to be. Looking back, I really don’t understand how lying on one side cramped up against the bed rail for eight hours so he wouldn’t be in distress was the best idea. I’m surprised a c section was never mentioned as an option if this continued or at the very least a sonogram done to see if his cord was causing him distress. All I was told for a plan was that I’d be taken off the epidural if my blood pressure dropped again.  It made for a very nervous mom during the entire delivery knowing if I so much as moved I would see his heart rate drop from 150 to 59 or similar drastic scenarios, but they assured me that since he always recovered he would be okay.

At the beginning of the evening my epidural was running low and some how the call was made that they would not refill it. I was told I would have the baby within an hour tops and the epidural would last two hours after the bag ran out. They said they wanted me to be able to feel just enough so I could push. Well, they severely undershot when it would be time to start pushing so I wasn’t pushing for another 3 hours and by then the epidural had completely worn off with nothing left to be done. I was so upset and frustrated. What was the point of having an epidural if it was going to be gone just as I needed it the most?  Dr. Callaghan told me it was clearly gone and I was just gonna have to push.  She is a great doctor, but I’ve always preferred to see Dr. Driskel or Mandy because I feel Dr. Callaghan’s bedside manner can be somewhat lacking so I wasn't happy it was going to be her yelling at me to push for the next few hours. I was in so much pain, I was crying and often screaming out. I had no idea how anyone ever did this naturally and no idea why this was happening to me, why it was hurting so bad or if an end was in site. Finally after 9 pm, I was exhausted and Asa wasn’t completely out.  The Dr. had to use the vacuum which I was upset about, but in so much pain I didn’t try to stop it. I was so happy to hear him cry, but surprised that the worst of the pain seemed to come then as well. I could tell by my husband’s and the nurse’s expressions something wasn’t right.  My family overheard one of the nurses who stepped out saying she’d never seen anything like that before. I heard them say Asa was 8.8 lbs and was very glad I didn’t wait any longer to have him. Dr Callaghan was frantically trying to stitch me up, but getting frustrated because she didn’t have all she needed.  She seemed upset with the nurses for not having all she needed and they weren’t her biggest fans then either. All understandable given the circumstances I guess, but not what a patient needed to hear.  Finally she told them to call the anesthesiologist  back to start my epidural again. I was confused why they wouldn’t/couldn’t when I was pushing but could/would now.  She informed me the tearing was severe and I would be going upstairs to the OR for emergency surgery. I got to hold Asa for a little while and see my family because we had to wait for the OR team to get there since they don’t work during the night unless needed.  Around 10:30 I was wheeled up for surgery. I don’t remember a lot of it because I was asleep.  Dr Callaghan was working quickly and seemed satisfied that she was getting it taken care of. She knew she was capable so I didn’t worry. Her confidence helped me in that moment for sure.  The epidural took care of the pain, but I knew it was going to be bad when it wore off. When the surgery was over I was taken down to a new room in postnatal care to see my family and get more information.  I don’t want to be graphic, but basically having the baby caused a tear inside all the way to my cervix.  So besides just the actual labor that certainly added to the pain I was feeling while pushing. Also, Asa was not in the room waiting for me like he was supposed to be. I was told he had to be in the nursery on oxygen because of a gurgling sound he was making and from complications of the cord being around his neck and tied in a knot. They said if I wanted to feed him I’d have to go down there to do it. Well, I wanted to of course but I literally couldn’t move so he had to be formula fed that evening which was not something I planned or wanted. When it was just Josh and I left in the room, I just started crying. The whole day had been so emotional and I dreaded waking up the next morning actually being able to feel the pain again. Throughout everything, Josh was amazing. He helped out during every stage of the labor, got me anything I needed or that would make me comfortable. I had some good nurses that day, but he was the best one for sure.  He never left my side. He was there to make sure the epidural was done right holding me in the correct position, he constantly watched the monitors and made sure the nurses were on top of things. During the thick of it he was actually doing the job of a nurse even when an on duty nurse had to leave because she could not handle the situation. And with everything going on he made sure to kiss me and comfort me before I was wheeled to the OR while he stayed to make sure our baby was ok.

 I think we finally feel asleep around 3 and got up at 7 on Wednesday.  The pain was terrible, but Dr Callaghan wanted to take the catheter out to force me into movement and prevent blood clots. It was terrible as was the entire 2 days in the postnatal unit.  Many of the nurses I had were not great. We’d have to ask and ask for things, only to have them forget them.  They were nothing like my wonderful nurses I’d had in labor and delivery. So thank you too all the nurses who actually care and work really hard without recognition. When you’ve had the other kind, you realize how much you need to thank good ones.  Anyway, I asked for pain meds yet every time I was due for some, I had to remind them.   One night they told us they would be coming in at midnight to weigh Asa so we tried to have him fed and ready to go to sleep right afterwards so we could get a few hours of sleep before the next feeding however, they came in an hour late. Then Josh asked them for a few things that took another hour to get.  In spite of all the bleeding, they never once changed the bed liners, Josh had to every time. When he asked them to once they brought in more liners and laid them on the chair for him to change.  They told me they would be monitoring things on me throughout the two days they never once did.  I would completely expect and understand those kind of things had it been busy, but several nurses told us how slow and boring it was. Because I couldn’t start nursing right away, we asked for a pump several times that we never received. When finally out of desperation at 4 am we asked for formula with a dropper to feed him with they instead gave us a bottle which I didn’t want him on. When I got ready to leave, I was given none of the  postpartum supplies other mothers had told me I would so I had to ask for them one by one which I had no problem doing considering the price of our bill for our few days there.  It seemed like the entire time I was there, patient advocates and heads of departments were coming to talk to us and not because we ever asked. They said news had traveled fast about the issues with my labor. So we spent a lot of time sharing our frustrations with the right people so hopefully it's easier on future patients.  I’m healing, but very sore. It’s difficult to walk or even stand up.  It makes things with Asa tougher than they should be so I hope I feel better by the time the big kids get here.  I can’t sleep on my bed so we are all camping out in the living room. Josh one on couch, me on the other and Asa in his cradle. I know I’ll look back and remember how precious these early days were together in spite of the pain. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to have a vaginal delivery again, but we’ll cross that bridge later.  We took Asa to his pediatrician Dr. Schmidt, for a follow up today and his oxygen is at 100, lungs completely clear and everything else is well. So even though I have many questions about why things were done the way they were and many frustrations with my experience, my body will heal, Asa is healthy and at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.
 

               

               

Our Summer Plans

Josh and I are gearing up for a change of pace come May when "just the two of us" becomes "just the six of us."  We’ve been busy preparing and organizing for what promises to be another fun summer with Josh’s kiddos and our new little guy.

The timing of me having baby Asa worked out perfectly so that I can use my 12 week maternity leave to stay home with the kids all summer which I’m so excited about. I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom so here is my chance to see if I can do it without going crazy...lol.  Keeping in mind I’ll have a newborn, I don’t want to over schedule,  yet I also know that if I want to keep the kids and myself sane, we need to have some activities planned. I don’t want anyone getting stir crazy or spending the whole summer watching tv because we don’t know what else to do.

For activities this June, all three kids will be doing the summer reading program at the library on Tuesdays, Jaleigh and Brandon will be taking an art class on Wednesdays and Jaleigh will have a week long cheerleading class. Luckily Gram (my mom) is off in the summers she’ll be able to help with transport duty. I’m very thankful they are old enough to enjoy activities on their own without a parent being there to supervise. They are also all taking swimming lessons, but in the evenings so Dad can transport and get to see what all they learn.  They all love the water so we figured a nightly swim would be a lot of fun and a great way to wear them out too. :)  We’ll see how June goes before we schedule July, but most likely we’ll keep the swimming lessons without any other weekly activities for that month so we can slow down and make time for other special events.

Also, we’ll have all three kid’s birthdays.  I love planning parties, but knew it would be tough to pull together with Asa here so I planned them all in advance and have already ordered everything I need besides the cakes. Jaleigh will be having a “Girls Rock” rock star themed party with family and friends followed by a sleepover with a few of her friends here.  I’m hoping we can find her a reasonably priced guitar as a gift since she’s been asking for once since she became "Taylor Swift's biggest fan."  For Brandon’s birthday we hope to have it in Sweetwater with my grandparents like we did for Aidan’s last year. It will be Thomas the Train Themed. For Aidan, we’ll have a small party here with a Monster Truck Theme. 

Besides birthday parties, I also have bought everything we need for our summer reading parties. The kids read every night to us and then we read from a chapter book to them. When we finish the book we have a party that includes basic costumes, a themed dinner followed by the movie of the book we read. Last year we read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The Secret Garden. This year we’ll be reading Peter Pan and Alice and Wonderland. Any ideas for the themed meal for these two books are welcomed as I haven’t made the full menus yet.

To ensure good behavior and help around the house we’ve created a few more things as well. I made behavior charts (Thanks to Debbie Rohloff for the idea) for each child with five items each on them.   We tried to keep them positive sounding rather than negative. For example, “Aidan can say please and thank you.” So instead of just getting angry with Aidan when he doesn’t, we will notice when he does and each time put a sticker on that section of the chart. Once they get so many stickers we will let them do something special with us. For example Brandon may want to go out to eat with his Dad or Jaleigh may want to go get a pedicure with me (I’m hoping for that one..haha).  Josh also wanted to teach the kids about money this year.  Not only how to count it, but what to do with it.  So he came up with the idea for a “Chore Store.”  They had chores last year but this year they will be paid for them plus given extra opportunities to earn more by doing other chores that will help me out.  At the end of the week, Josh will pay them, teach them to set aside what goes to God, what goes to their piggy banks for saving and then they will be allowed to spend the rest at the “Chore Store” which will be stocked with dollar store toys and various kinds of candy. 

Finally, since we’d like their grades to go up next year, we’ve purchased workbooks and flash cards so they can set aside some “school time” each day.  All of my friends in school to be teachers are welcome to take over this for me whenever they’d like since teaching is new to me. I'll sign off that you did your student teaching. ;) We're also planning to buy a small pool and set it up in the back yard as well as the slip and slide so the kids will be encouraged to play outside. It was really tough for them last summer with the extreme heat so hopefully this will take care of that.  Add a few movies, video games, and lots of books, friends and snowcones and we should have another wonderful summer together! We've made our schedule, but we'll have to see what Asa  has to say about it and adjust accordingly.  I'll update as the summer continues with pictures and details of how everything goes!

Lessons Learned on Step Parenting From "Tangled.""

This is a blog I wrote at the end of last year. I thought it would be  a fitting way to start this blog since it details a little bit of my first summer as a stepmom last year. :)


I’ve been meaning to write this blog since the kid’s left for the summer, but I’ve been busy writing my book instead. Now seemed like a good time to share some insights I learned my first summer as a stepmom.

Prior to this summer I’d only been around the kids a few weeks at a time and I was the fun one, the one who got cheers when I entered the room. “Yay! Shanessa is here!” Last Christmas break Aidan sat in my lap and told me he was ready for me to be his mom and he wanted to live with me and his dad forever.  Of course, I reminded him he’d miss his mom too much and how much she loved him,  but the compliment felt good. In my naivety maybe I thought it would always be like that.

Then come this summer when I got my first real dose of parenting. Josh has the greatest kids in the world really, but I wasn’t prepared for the difficulties of parenting. It all started on our way to Hobbs. Brandon called me “Mom,” something that bothered Jaleigh (understandably so). I was about to explain I was their stepmom, but Jaleigh beat me by saying “She’s not our mom, she’s our fake mom.” Fake mom? Ouch.

The first day Josh had to work and I was alone with the kids was fun, because I made it a nonstop fun day.  However, week by week when the fun ideas wore off it became tougher. I remember one morning Aidan crying because he didn’t like the outfit I picked out for him. When I say crying, I mean a full fit. I had no idea how to handle it, so I shut the door and fought back the tears myself. He finally got dressed but was in a bad mood all day. He called his sister stupid and when I turned to get on to him he took off running and hid under his bed. There I was on the floor, trying to pull out a kicking and screaming 4 year old from under his bed.  He was yelling that he wanted his mom.  All I could wonder is what happened to the Aidan who sat in my lap and wanted to live with me forever? Lol

One day we sat watching Jaleigh’s favorite movie Tangled.   Aidan commented that Rapunzel’s mom was mean to which Jaleigh said “She’s not her real mom, she’s her fake mom.” Ahh so that’s where the term came from. Move over Wicked Stepmother, there’s a new non parent for kids to hate. Thanks a lot Disney. ;)

Another day that stands out in my mind was when Aidan and Brandon were fighting. Suddenly I heard the unmistakable sound of a slap. I turned the corner ready to come unglued on Brandon to find it was Aidan who had hit his big brother. I got on to him and put him in time out. However, he proceeded to act out all day.  I am not against spanking, but since they aren’t my kids I didn’t feel it was my place. However, in my anger I did tell him, “It’s a good thing I’m not your mom or you’d get a spanking.” I should have realized my angry words would come back to haunt me…they always do after all.  Later we were watching Tangled…again… when one of the characters gets stabbed. Aidan looked right at me and said, “It’s a good thing you don’t have a knife or I would be dead.”  I equally wanted to laugh and cry. It was a funny thing to say, but it made me sad that Aidan thought I would hurt him even if he was joking so I had to talk with him about that.

I found out pretty early that being a stepparent is hard. You have to do the work of a parent at times, yet don’t get some of the rewards.  When the kids were hurt or sad it was never me they cried for, it was their mom or dad. When we read stories, they all fought over their dad’s lap. Some of the fun filled days I planned for them ended with tears because they missed their mom. All I could think was “After all the fun they had today, I’m still not enough.” And you know , I was partly right.  Like I always tell them, I’m not their mom. We all only get one mom and kids will love and be loyal to her.  The boys didn’t seem to have this issue, but to Jaleigh it seemed that liking me was a betrayal to her mom. I learned to just continue to love them and they will feel it.

I also found out there are a lot of joys to being a stepparent. Most of the time, I really do get to be the fun parent. Yes, there are times when I’m alone with them that I have to discipline, but there are also times I get to plan fun parties and do special things that a full time mom couldn’t do. For example, we had a party after book we read together. Easy to do when it’s two months, but I know if I have  a party every time me and my little one read a book I’d run out of money really soon. I also found out some battles aren’t worth fighting. I learned to let Aidan wear whatever he wanted (Church excluded). No, he never matched, but who cares really? It’s not worth a fight. I learned that when Jaleigh draws me a picture of her mom wearing a crown or gets mad at Brandon for calling me “Mom,”  it’s nothing personal against me. Her dream is for her parents to be back together one day and a stepmom kinda puts a kink in that. (Thanks a lot Mr. Poppers’ Penguins for encouraging that dream in children..lol).  She’s hurting and trying to process changes she had no say so in. I feel confident that one day she and I will be good friends.  I  also learned that when Brandon won’t listen or sit still, to send him outside to knock himself around on his bike. Yes it’s hot, but that’s what popsicles are for and yes he hurts himself, but he’s a boy. At the start of summer, every skinned knee was an emergency and a reason to stay inside all day.

What I learned most was how great a dad my husband is. I learned so much about parenting from him. His kids are so good, everyone says so. We never have to hesitate to take them anywhere because we know they will behave. Because of this, I always thought Josh was way too tough on them at home until I realized that they are so good when we are out because he is so tough on them at home. He plays with them, encourages creativity and always seems to know the right way to handle situations that come up (without his kids fearing he will stab them..lol).

In spite of the mistakes I made, the kids still love me. No permanent damage done ( I hope!) I have really special memories with each of them this summer and remember really sweet things they all did for me. One particularly horrid days sticks out in my mind. I felt sick and was just having a bad day. I put on a movie (no “Tangled” this time) and locked myself in the room for a minute to myself. Aidan knew something was wrong so he put his singing chipmunk right outside my door and turned it on. Over and over he would come back and push play to keep the chipmunk singing to me. Talk about the quickest way to turn tears into laughter.  On Saturdays I’d put on a movie and clean house after the kids did their chores, but Brandon would always help me do more than he had to.  And on her last day in Hobbs, Jaleigh drew me pictures, asked me to sit with her all day and cuddled up to me. I wish that would have come sooner especially since I worried we’d have to start over this summer, but you can’t rush feelings.

A few days before they left Aidan came in my room and said, “Necka will you help me?” His shirt was really tight and he was having a hard time getting it off. I helped him and then cried when he left the room. I was so sad knowing that next year he would be too big to need my help taking a shirt off. My first thought was “I want to have a baby right now.” The thought surprised me because we had planned on waiting a few years.  After the kids left and my days were mine again, I had a hard time adjusting. I told God, “I think I want a baby.” Well, after about a month of getting back in the grove of just the two of us, I realized it was okay if we waited a few years for a baby after all, and literally found out I was pregnant a few days later..lol. Be careful what you wish for. :) I’m so excited for the baby and to watch the kids be great siblings to him or her.  From my reading I’ve learned it’s normal if I feel a little differently towards my  own child than my stepchildren, but that I shouldn’t  treat them differently.  I plan to work very hard at that. I know I’ll continue to mess up as a mom and stepmom, but that’s okay because love covers a whole lot of mistakes.