This is a blog I wrote at the end of last year. I thought it would be a fitting way to start this blog since it details a little bit of my first summer as a stepmom last year. :)
I’ve been meaning to write this blog since the kid’s left for the summer, but I’ve been busy writing my book instead. Now seemed like a good time to share some insights I learned my first summer as a stepmom.
Prior to this summer I’d only been around the kids a few weeks at a time and I was the fun one, the one who got cheers when I entered the room. “Yay! Shanessa is here!” Last Christmas break Aidan sat in my lap and told me he was ready for me to be his mom and he wanted to live with me and his dad forever. Of course, I reminded him he’d miss his mom too much and how much she loved him, but the compliment felt good. In my naivety maybe I thought it would always be like that.
Then come this summer when I got my first real dose of parenting. Josh has the greatest kids in the world really, but I wasn’t prepared for the difficulties of parenting. It all started on our way to Hobbs. Brandon called me “Mom,” something that bothered Jaleigh (understandably so). I was about to explain I was their stepmom, but Jaleigh beat me by saying “She’s not our mom, she’s our fake mom.” Fake mom? Ouch.
The first day Josh had to work and I was alone with the kids was fun, because I made it a nonstop fun day. However, week by week when the fun ideas wore off it became tougher. I remember one morning Aidan crying because he didn’t like the outfit I picked out for him. When I say crying, I mean a full fit. I had no idea how to handle it, so I shut the door and fought back the tears myself. He finally got dressed but was in a bad mood all day. He called his sister stupid and when I turned to get on to him he took off running and hid under his bed. There I was on the floor, trying to pull out a kicking and screaming 4 year old from under his bed. He was yelling that he wanted his mom. All I could wonder is what happened to the Aidan who sat in my lap and wanted to live with me forever? Lol
One day we sat watching Jaleigh’s favorite movie Tangled. Aidan commented that Rapunzel’s mom was mean to which Jaleigh said “She’s not her real mom, she’s her fake mom.” Ahh so that’s where the term came from. Move over Wicked Stepmother, there’s a new non parent for kids to hate. Thanks a lot Disney. ;)
Another day that stands out in my mind was when Aidan and Brandon were fighting. Suddenly I heard the unmistakable sound of a slap. I turned the corner ready to come unglued on Brandon to find it was Aidan who had hit his big brother. I got on to him and put him in time out. However, he proceeded to act out all day. I am not against spanking, but since they aren’t my kids I didn’t feel it was my place. However, in my anger I did tell him, “It’s a good thing I’m not your mom or you’d get a spanking.” I should have realized my angry words would come back to haunt me…they always do after all. Later we were watching Tangled…again… when one of the characters gets stabbed. Aidan looked right at me and said, “It’s a good thing you don’t have a knife or I would be dead.” I equally wanted to laugh and cry. It was a funny thing to say, but it made me sad that Aidan thought I would hurt him even if he was joking so I had to talk with him about that.
I found out pretty early that being a stepparent is hard. You have to do the work of a parent at times, yet don’t get some of the rewards. When the kids were hurt or sad it was never me they cried for, it was their mom or dad. When we read stories, they all fought over their dad’s lap. Some of the fun filled days I planned for them ended with tears because they missed their mom. All I could think was “After all the fun they had today, I’m still not enough.” And you know , I was partly right. Like I always tell them, I’m not their mom. We all only get one mom and kids will love and be loyal to her. The boys didn’t seem to have this issue, but to Jaleigh it seemed that liking me was a betrayal to her mom. I learned to just continue to love them and they will feel it.
I also found out there are a lot of joys to being a stepparent. Most of the time, I really do get to be the fun parent. Yes, there are times when I’m alone with them that I have to discipline, but there are also times I get to plan fun parties and do special things that a full time mom couldn’t do. For example, we had a party after book we read together. Easy to do when it’s two months, but I know if I have a party every time me and my little one read a book I’d run out of money really soon. I also found out some battles aren’t worth fighting. I learned to let Aidan wear whatever he wanted (Church excluded). No, he never matched, but who cares really? It’s not worth a fight. I learned that when Jaleigh draws me a picture of her mom wearing a crown or gets mad at Brandon for calling me “Mom,” it’s nothing personal against me. Her dream is for her parents to be back together one day and a stepmom kinda puts a kink in that. (Thanks a lot Mr. Poppers’ Penguins for encouraging that dream in children..lol). She’s hurting and trying to process changes she had no say so in. I feel confident that one day she and I will be good friends. I also learned that when Brandon won’t listen or sit still, to send him outside to knock himself around on his bike. Yes it’s hot, but that’s what popsicles are for and yes he hurts himself, but he’s a boy. At the start of summer, every skinned knee was an emergency and a reason to stay inside all day.
What I learned most was how great a dad my husband is. I learned so much about parenting from him. His kids are so good, everyone says so. We never have to hesitate to take them anywhere because we know they will behave. Because of this, I always thought Josh was way too tough on them at home until I realized that they are so good when we are out because he is so tough on them at home. He plays with them, encourages creativity and always seems to know the right way to handle situations that come up (without his kids fearing he will stab them..lol).
In spite of the mistakes I made, the kids still love me. No permanent damage done ( I hope!) I have really special memories with each of them this summer and remember really sweet things they all did for me. One particularly horrid days sticks out in my mind. I felt sick and was just having a bad day. I put on a movie (no “Tangled” this time) and locked myself in the room for a minute to myself. Aidan knew something was wrong so he put his singing chipmunk right outside my door and turned it on. Over and over he would come back and push play to keep the chipmunk singing to me. Talk about the quickest way to turn tears into laughter. On Saturdays I’d put on a movie and clean house after the kids did their chores, but Brandon would always help me do more than he had to. And on her last day in Hobbs, Jaleigh drew me pictures, asked me to sit with her all day and cuddled up to me. I wish that would have come sooner especially since I worried we’d have to start over this summer, but you can’t rush feelings.
A few days before they left Aidan came in my room and said, “Necka will you help me?” His shirt was really tight and he was having a hard time getting it off. I helped him and then cried when he left the room. I was so sad knowing that next year he would be too big to need my help taking a shirt off. My first thought was “I want to have a baby right now.” The thought surprised me because we had planned on waiting a few years. After the kids left and my days were mine again, I had a hard time adjusting. I told God, “I think I want a baby.” Well, after about a month of getting back in the grove of just the two of us, I realized it was okay if we waited a few years for a baby after all, and literally found out I was pregnant a few days later..lol. Be careful what you wish for. :) I’m so excited for the baby and to watch the kids be great siblings to him or her. From my reading I’ve learned it’s normal if I feel a little differently towards my own child than my stepchildren, but that I shouldn’t treat them differently. I plan to work very hard at that. I know I’ll continue to mess up as a mom and stepmom, but that’s okay because love covers a whole lot of mistakes.
I’ve been meaning to write this blog since the kid’s left for the summer, but I’ve been busy writing my book instead. Now seemed like a good time to share some insights I learned my first summer as a stepmom.
Prior to this summer I’d only been around the kids a few weeks at a time and I was the fun one, the one who got cheers when I entered the room. “Yay! Shanessa is here!” Last Christmas break Aidan sat in my lap and told me he was ready for me to be his mom and he wanted to live with me and his dad forever. Of course, I reminded him he’d miss his mom too much and how much she loved him, but the compliment felt good. In my naivety maybe I thought it would always be like that.
Then come this summer when I got my first real dose of parenting. Josh has the greatest kids in the world really, but I wasn’t prepared for the difficulties of parenting. It all started on our way to Hobbs. Brandon called me “Mom,” something that bothered Jaleigh (understandably so). I was about to explain I was their stepmom, but Jaleigh beat me by saying “She’s not our mom, she’s our fake mom.” Fake mom? Ouch.
The first day Josh had to work and I was alone with the kids was fun, because I made it a nonstop fun day. However, week by week when the fun ideas wore off it became tougher. I remember one morning Aidan crying because he didn’t like the outfit I picked out for him. When I say crying, I mean a full fit. I had no idea how to handle it, so I shut the door and fought back the tears myself. He finally got dressed but was in a bad mood all day. He called his sister stupid and when I turned to get on to him he took off running and hid under his bed. There I was on the floor, trying to pull out a kicking and screaming 4 year old from under his bed. He was yelling that he wanted his mom. All I could wonder is what happened to the Aidan who sat in my lap and wanted to live with me forever? Lol
One day we sat watching Jaleigh’s favorite movie Tangled. Aidan commented that Rapunzel’s mom was mean to which Jaleigh said “She’s not her real mom, she’s her fake mom.” Ahh so that’s where the term came from. Move over Wicked Stepmother, there’s a new non parent for kids to hate. Thanks a lot Disney. ;)
Another day that stands out in my mind was when Aidan and Brandon were fighting. Suddenly I heard the unmistakable sound of a slap. I turned the corner ready to come unglued on Brandon to find it was Aidan who had hit his big brother. I got on to him and put him in time out. However, he proceeded to act out all day. I am not against spanking, but since they aren’t my kids I didn’t feel it was my place. However, in my anger I did tell him, “It’s a good thing I’m not your mom or you’d get a spanking.” I should have realized my angry words would come back to haunt me…they always do after all. Later we were watching Tangled…again… when one of the characters gets stabbed. Aidan looked right at me and said, “It’s a good thing you don’t have a knife or I would be dead.” I equally wanted to laugh and cry. It was a funny thing to say, but it made me sad that Aidan thought I would hurt him even if he was joking so I had to talk with him about that.
I found out pretty early that being a stepparent is hard. You have to do the work of a parent at times, yet don’t get some of the rewards. When the kids were hurt or sad it was never me they cried for, it was their mom or dad. When we read stories, they all fought over their dad’s lap. Some of the fun filled days I planned for them ended with tears because they missed their mom. All I could think was “After all the fun they had today, I’m still not enough.” And you know , I was partly right. Like I always tell them, I’m not their mom. We all only get one mom and kids will love and be loyal to her. The boys didn’t seem to have this issue, but to Jaleigh it seemed that liking me was a betrayal to her mom. I learned to just continue to love them and they will feel it.
I also found out there are a lot of joys to being a stepparent. Most of the time, I really do get to be the fun parent. Yes, there are times when I’m alone with them that I have to discipline, but there are also times I get to plan fun parties and do special things that a full time mom couldn’t do. For example, we had a party after book we read together. Easy to do when it’s two months, but I know if I have a party every time me and my little one read a book I’d run out of money really soon. I also found out some battles aren’t worth fighting. I learned to let Aidan wear whatever he wanted (Church excluded). No, he never matched, but who cares really? It’s not worth a fight. I learned that when Jaleigh draws me a picture of her mom wearing a crown or gets mad at Brandon for calling me “Mom,” it’s nothing personal against me. Her dream is for her parents to be back together one day and a stepmom kinda puts a kink in that. (Thanks a lot Mr. Poppers’ Penguins for encouraging that dream in children..lol). She’s hurting and trying to process changes she had no say so in. I feel confident that one day she and I will be good friends. I also learned that when Brandon won’t listen or sit still, to send him outside to knock himself around on his bike. Yes it’s hot, but that’s what popsicles are for and yes he hurts himself, but he’s a boy. At the start of summer, every skinned knee was an emergency and a reason to stay inside all day.
What I learned most was how great a dad my husband is. I learned so much about parenting from him. His kids are so good, everyone says so. We never have to hesitate to take them anywhere because we know they will behave. Because of this, I always thought Josh was way too tough on them at home until I realized that they are so good when we are out because he is so tough on them at home. He plays with them, encourages creativity and always seems to know the right way to handle situations that come up (without his kids fearing he will stab them..lol).
In spite of the mistakes I made, the kids still love me. No permanent damage done ( I hope!) I have really special memories with each of them this summer and remember really sweet things they all did for me. One particularly horrid days sticks out in my mind. I felt sick and was just having a bad day. I put on a movie (no “Tangled” this time) and locked myself in the room for a minute to myself. Aidan knew something was wrong so he put his singing chipmunk right outside my door and turned it on. Over and over he would come back and push play to keep the chipmunk singing to me. Talk about the quickest way to turn tears into laughter. On Saturdays I’d put on a movie and clean house after the kids did their chores, but Brandon would always help me do more than he had to. And on her last day in Hobbs, Jaleigh drew me pictures, asked me to sit with her all day and cuddled up to me. I wish that would have come sooner especially since I worried we’d have to start over this summer, but you can’t rush feelings.
A few days before they left Aidan came in my room and said, “Necka will you help me?” His shirt was really tight and he was having a hard time getting it off. I helped him and then cried when he left the room. I was so sad knowing that next year he would be too big to need my help taking a shirt off. My first thought was “I want to have a baby right now.” The thought surprised me because we had planned on waiting a few years. After the kids left and my days were mine again, I had a hard time adjusting. I told God, “I think I want a baby.” Well, after about a month of getting back in the grove of just the two of us, I realized it was okay if we waited a few years for a baby after all, and literally found out I was pregnant a few days later..lol. Be careful what you wish for. :) I’m so excited for the baby and to watch the kids be great siblings to him or her. From my reading I’ve learned it’s normal if I feel a little differently towards my own child than my stepchildren, but that I shouldn’t treat them differently. I plan to work very hard at that. I know I’ll continue to mess up as a mom and stepmom, but that’s okay because love covers a whole lot of mistakes.
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