An Empty Calendar

Wow, where did the summer go?

Josh and the kids left early, early, early last Saturday morning. Like 3am early. Since the kids wanted to say goodbye to Asa, he woke up.  So I spent the next couple hours playing with him while I washed all their sheets and made their beds. Whoever invented bunk beds is an evil, evil person. They are good in theory until you have to make them up. The only thing worse than making up bunk beds is folding fitted sheets.

So in between of taking care of Asa, cleaning the house, washing sheets and fighting against two uncooperative bunk beds, sadness didn’t really hit me right away.  Even after we slept and woke up again, I still was doing okay, mainly because I didn’t have to make breakfast. I’m not a breakfast eater nor a morning person so 3 months of making breakfast was no fun for me. I'd almost rather fold fitted sheets. I spent enough time trying to find recipes for dinner so I didn’t even worry about finding them for breakfast. It was always eggs and hash browns or a smoothie and fruit. Neither really quick or completely mess free and obviously not much variety. I felt sorry for the kids (and me) that they couldn’t just have cereal. 

A life without the Cap'n is no life for me

We kept a master calendar this summer to keep up with all our activities and it was when I erased it that I started to cry. It felt like I was erasing the summer that had barely begun. A few days before they left Jaleigh offered to rewind a movie so Brandon could watch the part he missed and she said, “I wish we could rewind summer.” Me too, Jaleigh, me too.

Before

After

The truth is that while it was happening summer was hard on me, incredibly hard at times.  If it wasn’t for Josh, my mom, family and friends I feel like I might have lost my mind. I spent so much time feeling guilty. Half the time, I felt guilty that I wasn’t having as much fun with the big kids as we did last summer.  Not as many fun days watching movies together or fun evenings playing at the park. They got a few trips to the library, but not our weekly Saturday ones we so looked forward to last year. We also had a silly game last year where we would pick out a car and just follow them around for a while pretending we were spies. At every stop light the kids had to duck down to hide. I tried that once this year, but Asa got fussy within two blocks so to save everyone’s ears, we had to go home.  I’m sure it was partly more fun last year because I was still working all summer and thus not responsible for so many meals and messes. Also, I didn’t have a newborn. So often I felt like Asa was taking away from my fun with the older kids, which may sound terrible, but it’s honest. The other half of the time, I resented the fact that the big kids took so much from me that I didn’t get much time with Asa.  I looked back on my first few weeks of just us and wanted that back desperately. Most people with kids will tell you the first gets more individual attention than the last because by the last you have older kids to take care of too. So though Asa was my first baby, he felt like the last this summer. So I felt cheated out of my first born. I often had to leave him in his swing  so I could break up a fight, clean up a mess, make a meal, fix a snack or do a homeschool lesson with the older kids.  I knew I’d have Asa year round and thus I shouldn’t feel that way, but I only had 12 weeks off work and I wished I could spend them enjoying him more. You would think I had 19 kids in the house with the stress I felt at times, not 4.  I’m so not Supermom, no one is. Don’t let any blog post make you believe otherwise. Blog writers and pinterest moms only show you what they want you to see and that’s not always their struggles.

Looking back, I see that it was a waste to worry about those things. The big kids had plenty of fun this summer. There were birthdays, swim lessons, art classes, books, reading parties and plenty of sno cones with Gram.  No, they didn’t get to go to the park or watch movies as much, but they had a lot of fun playing on their own and learning to use their imaginations. They played like they were teachers, animal doctors, nannies, and even homeless kids who lived in a junk yard. They wrote stories, made up songs and drew pictures. Sometimes not being over entertained is the best thing you can do for a child’s creativity. I had lots of fun with my parents, but there were also times they told me to entertain myself and it was then I learned to use my imagination. The kids also loved their little brother. They never showed any kind of resentment or jealously when he took up our attention. They never complained when I told them they couldn’t watch a movie because Asa was fussy or because I couldn’t sit  and read them with every night because I had to rock a screaming baby.

And Asa may have not gotten all the attention, but he got plenty. I had about three weeks with him before the kids came and that alone is more than the time some working moms get off.   Gram came over and loved on him often when I was doing other things as did other family, friends, his brothers and especially Jaleigh, who loved taking care of him.  When they left Jaleigh said, “I’ll miss you Shanessa, but I’ll especially miss Asa.” I have a very limited time with the older kids so I shouldn’t have felt guilty for giving them the attention I did.  Geez, no one told me you get a big dose of guilt as soon as you become a mom.

Though goodbyes are incredibly hard, the plus of the weekend was a date night with Josh. He surprised me by bringing home a stuffed lady bug he won at the fair in Colorado, a few bottles of Olive Garden Salad Dressing  and a laptop.  Mine stopped working over the weekend, but after our high summer expenses, I wasn’t about to take out the money from savings for a new one. I figured I would just save up for a while and in the meantime just write on my lunch break at work, but Josh had other plans and came home with a new one in case he couldn’t fix mine. He takes care of me even when I act like I don’t need him too.  But there was still another surprise.  What’s better than a fair prize, salad dressing and a laptop? Batman of course. I’ve loved Batman since I was young thanks to my dad. We would watch reruns of the old tv show.  Remember it?

Golly Gee Willickers, Batman!



KAPOW indeed

I grew up with Batman birthdays, costumes, toys, you name it. I think we watched almost all the cheesy batman movies in the theater even.  However, the recent ones (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) are far from cheesy. They are easily the best Batman movies and Christian Bale is easily the best Batman too.  So I was itching to see Dark Knight Rises, but we never had time to go see it with the kids here.  Even though it was late and on a work night I was beyond excited to go. Heck, I would have been excited to see any movie that wasn’t rated G. ;)  My sweet friend Bethany came over to watch Asa for us all the way till almost 1:00 am when we got home.  I was so tired at work the next day, but it was well worth it.  The movie was awesome!  Highly recommended.  I will say it’s probably a little darker than your average superhero movie though.  Oh and is it just me or was Bane the scariest bad guy ever? Like horror movie scary. At least the Joker gave us a few laughs. No wonder the old tv show left him out and opted for villains like Egghead instead.

Hello Hannibal Lecter...I mean Bane

Well okay, I guess Egghead looks pretty scary too

So another summer has come and gone, one full of mixed emotions. It definitely wasn’t the same as last summer and next summer probably won’t be anything like this one. We are ever changing, but always a family. When one family member has a need, we will fill it and I’ll try my best to stop feeling guilty for that or like everyone else is being cheated.  I think that growing up as an only child, I’m not quite used to competing interests if you want to call it that.  I enjoyed having pretty much undivided attention from my parents and being able to play on my own. This summer I was constantly having to get on to Josh's kids for fighting, something my parents didn't have to worry about much with just me. I actually always just wanted one child because it was pretty awesome growing up. Of course, I had cousins I could play and socialize with too. But now I see there are positives to a chaotic household full of kids and a jam packed calendar too. I always wanted one child, Josh always wanted five.  With four already it definitely looks like we have a better chance of meeting Josh’s goal than mine, but I can’t imagine our lives without Jaleigh, Brandon, Aidan or Asa.  Thank you God that your thoughts and plans are higher than my own.